Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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