my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
