i can't believe i had my finger in that
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
