Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
