Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
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BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize