I think I won the penis lottery.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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