so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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