true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
