What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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