I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
