what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
