is your mom at the bar?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
