yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
