some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
