Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
