i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
