I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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