I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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