I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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