i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
When are your genitals available?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
