i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
