Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
