my vag is so smooth its legendary
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
