Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
