when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
