I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
