shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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