He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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