I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
