last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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