Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
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I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
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