currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
