Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
