When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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