Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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