Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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