Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
