I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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