dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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