Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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