she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
