dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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