nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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