I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
