he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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