she looked like the bat from fern gully.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
