dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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