I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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