So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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