so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
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Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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