If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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