sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
