I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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