I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
