planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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