I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
