There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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